March into Stillness by Emily Wikel
Meditation and I have an interesting relationship to say the least. We haven’t always been the best of friends, but in times of need, the practice was always there. We’re the type of friends that can go months without seeing each other and then when we finally do create the time, it’s like nothing’s changed. To say I’m the type of person who’s always on the go is an understatement and I’ve found myself doing it for so long that I forgot how to pause. I forgot how to let myself flourish in what the pause has to offer, without creating a story around it or making it mean something about myself.
The story I told myself was that giving permission to be in stillness made me lazy. It made me weak. We live in a society that defines our worth based on our ability to fill our calendars and cross off our to-do lists. I’d even put meditation on my to-do list to cross off and I was fixated on getting it right. I had this image in my head that my meditation practice had to be sitting on a bolster, surrounded by my crystals, and not having a single interruption or thought for about 20 minutes. I was attached to how meditation was supposed to look and if I couldn’t achieve it or get it “right,” I would take myself out and not practice at all.
This kept continuing until I found myself in Shakti’s 40 Days to Personal Revolution program. If you aren’t familiar with 40 Days, it’s a program that offers you the tools to start your revolution - one of these tools being meditation. This program lit a fire in me that I didn’t know I needed. It woke me up. One of the main things I realized was how I needed to give up what I must around meditation. I needed to give up what I thought meditation was supposed to look like, what I was supposed to be thinking, or not thinking, for that matter. It wasn’t perfect, not in the slightest, but it did give me access to the pause. It gave me access to presence and awakening. I didn’t realize that my life was stuck on autopilot and I didn’t wake up to how badly my mind, body and spirit needed to pause until I took a moment to let myself be. What a gift meditation was and is for me.
Baptiste Yoga was designed to disrupt the drift. I was living my life stuck in fear and resentment, and meditation was one practice that disrupted the drift I was living in. My practice was never “perfect” and I truly believe there isn’t a “perfect” way to meditate. As soon as I dropped what I knew and listened, I was able to soak up all the benefits that meditation had to offer. I became kinder to others. I was able to hold space and actively listen. I understood what it truly meant to BE for others and for myself. I no longer let pausing mean I was lazy or incapable. I pause as a way of self-care and healing.
Even with waking up to what meditation really was, I still have periods of my life where I resist the practice. This last year has been a huge transitional period for me and I found myself resisting meditation, even when I needed it the most. I, once again, found myself detached and dissociated from my emotions. Up until this past Wednesday evening, I felt blocked. I could only crack open and feel with physical asana, which is an incredible tool, yet I still found myself so physically drained and tired. I decided to sign up for Sarah Norris’ Yoga Nidra class to try on something new and “schedule” my time to pause. As I stepped out of her class, I realized that I’ve gone so long without taking the time to just be and embrace the art of doing nothing, that I lost sight of how to get there in the first place. I spent the beginning of the practice, floating in and out of consciousness and finally plugged back in when we were about halfway through. It was if my heart cracked open. After the practice, I went up to Sarah and cried. I felt such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this stillness and the space she held. I realized I needed to check back in, create some space, and allow myself to pause more often.
Whether you’re taking a few breaths in the car before heading into work or sitting in your sacred meditation spot, the practice can happen anywhere. It doesn’t have to look a certain way and it isn’t ignoring the thoughts that come in. Meditation is observing the thoughts that flow in and allowing them to flow out without assumption, judgment or expectation. I’m so grateful to have this gift of meditation and to have Shakti dedicate the entire month of March for March into Stillness. Take this month with me to commit to being still and wake up to the gift that the pause has to offer.